"Inadequacies Exposed/ Confession"

I'm going to level with you.  Most of the time I am pretty good at looking good, making appearances, being where I need to be when I need to be there, and getting my kids taken care of.  But sometimes I just have a huge lapse in social graces and I bomb.  It usually happens right after a period of doing really well at maintaining a properly presenting balance in life.  But the truth is that good-looking balance isn't completely authentic and there is a price to pay for attempting to maintain the illusion of perfection.

A little background into my personality...
I am extremely independent.  I am not the kind of mom who cries when my kids get on the school bus for the first time.  I am more likely to jump for joy and yell "FREEDOOMMMM!" after the bus turns the first corner (again maintaining the illusion of proper conduct).  Of course I love my children and family, I just value my alone time (aka creative/ productive time) soooo very much.  My husband says I leave everyone in my life wanting more of my time, yet I always want more time to myself.  

We all have our struggles with balance.  Mine is mostly with my personal time and the time shared with people in my life.  I could be a hermit.  Yet I'm pretty sure the hermit life would give me bouts of exhilaration and creativity followed by extreme loneliness and depression. 

I just had some revelatory experiences in my life (I'll save the details for another post) which led me to desire to be more social. Within a period of three weeks I took on more social activities than I usually do in months, including two that were hosted at my home.  All the while my husband, who really enjoys social activity and who usually helps me prepare for these events, was sick with strep throat AND influenza B.  That meant I was running the kids around, grocery shopping, and doing lots of things that he usually takes care of in addition to being uber-social. 

We had a party at our house on Saturday night and it was great.  We had lots of people, children, food, conversation, wine, and it was everything I wanted it to be.  Everyone left and I sent my nearly recovered hubby to bed while I cleaned up and fed our 4 year old son who should have been in bed hours earlier.  Finally I went to bed with conversations from the evening swimming around like fish in my mind. 

Sunday mornings are a time reserved for visiting my great aunt who is 98 years old.  I always go because let's face it, any Sunday could turn out to be the last one and I don't want to forever regret skipping the LAST ONE!  Well this week (Sunday morning after our party) I hit a wall and I didn't go.  I also didn't go to my son's play date later that day, and I have skipped a number of events in the following two days.  In fact I've barely left the house since Saturday. 

Today I had one of those looser mom moments when I went to pick up my son from his preschool and realized they had their Valentines Day party today.  Many moms were already there because we were INVITED.  So not only did I not show for the party, I forgot to send his treats and cards (which were purchased but not opened or labeled because I thought I had a few more days).  Ugh.  I also made mistakes on my hotmail calender and told off my insurance agent yesterday.

So the balance returns.  I'm not perfect,  I'm no longer a socialite who can keep up with a very active social life like I did in my 20's.  I am an artist and a mom.  I make mistakes.  I enjoy friends, family, and the special people in my life and I enjoy them more when I take time out to be unsocial. 

Ahhh, well that feels better.  I guess this is the blogging equivalent to confession.  Thanks for letting me spill the beans on my desire for balance, social life, parenting, and mishaps.

Thanks for stopping by.  I would love to see a comment so I know you're real, especially now that you know I am :)

Blessings,

Waxela (wa-shay-la)

aka SpiritMama